TEACHERS TAKE NOTE

Say Something

Peggy Moss

Illustrated by Lea Lyon

Hardcover, $16.95, ISBN 978-0-88448-261-1

Paperback, $7.95, ISBN 978-0-88448-310-6

9 x 10, 32 pages, color illustrations

Children / Character Education; Grades 3-6

It starts with words. Before any student gets beaten up or badly hurt, there is usually teasing, sometimes months of name-calling that leads up to an act of violence. And even when no physical violence results, the student who is teased at school feels scared, distracted, and unable to focus on school.

YOU are in the best position to Say Something! Why?

"I wish somebody would just say something. . . . I don't even care what they say, really, just something to make the teasing stop."

"They heard. I know the other kids heard what he said, but they didn't stick up for me.

Say Something will inspire classroom conversations like the following:

Do kids in our school get teased?

If "Yes," think about how. In most schools, students are teased about being "different"—which means almost everyone gets teased at one time or another. We get picked on because of the shape of our bodies, the color of our skin, our clothes, our grades, our gender, or our religion.

If "No," think about the question differently. Do some kids get left out? Do they sit alone at the lunch table every day? Do they spend their outside time alone? Are they picked last for every school game or not included at all? If there are students in your school (and in most schools there are) that have days like this, consider answering "yes," and look at the discussion above.

What do kids get teased about at our school?

Kids get teased for all kinds of reasons. What do kids in your school get teased about? If you really think about it, some of the answers might be longer than you'd expect. Here's what we've heard:

Kids get teased because they need extra help in class. Kids get teased because they are smart, work hard, or get good grades or special praise from the teacher. Kids get teased because they don't wear the right clothes—because they are old or worn or dirty or too new or clean. Kids get teased because of the way they smell, how much money they have, where they live, the color of their skin, if they have an accent, the way they walk, or because they can't walk or see or hear as well as other kids.

How do you think it feels?

How do you think teasing makes kids feel? Really think about this one, because some of the answers might surprise you. If you don't know how it feels to be teased, ask someone who knows. I did. Here's what I found out:

• "I got teased in the back of the classroom for months because of my religion. Nobody did anything about it, so the kids who teased me started to push me around outside. Then one afternoon, one of the kids threatened to kill me. I never felt safe at school after that."
• "Kids saw where I lived when I got on the bus. Two boys on my bus made fun of my house and my clothes and called me names. I decided to walk to school every day, even though it took a really long time. I was late almost every day."
• "I cried. Okay? I cried every single day after I got home from school. But if you asked me then, I would have said, 'Teasing doesn't bother me. I can handle it.' That's what I would have told you."
• "I think about it all the time. I sit in math class thinking about how I am going to get to science class without getting teased or pushed into a locker. I can't concentrate on school."

Do you think YOU could make a big difference for kids in our school?

Here are three things you could do to help make sure every student at our school feels safe:

• Tell a teacher, the principal, or another trusted adult.
  Particularly when teasing gets aggressive, it's important for you to let someone know, before anyone gets hurt.
• Say something to the person who is getting teased.
  Students in schools where there has been violence say that if you want your school to feel safer, "you should sit with the kid who sits alone at lunch." Teasing and bullying are cowardly acts—committed by kids who want peer approval—YOUR approval. They don't get it. They bolt.
  "I'm shy, and if a kid is bigger than I am, I won't say anything to the bully. But I've walked up to kids who are getting teased and said, 'Hey, you want to come to lunch with me?' The bully usually just walks away."
  "I saw a kid getting teased in the hall. I said, 'Hey, how you doing?' and the two of us walked away together. That's all. He said, 'Thanks.' We're not best friends, but I'm pretty sure he'd stick up for me if he saw me getting teased."
• Say something to the bully.
  But don't put yourself in harm's way. In the halls, on the playground, in the cafeteria, often just a quick word or two will make the teasing or the mean-spirited joke stop. "I don't want to hear about it . . . Knock it off . . . Cut it out . . . That's so 10 minutes ago . . ." Each of us has our own way of saying: I don't want that talk in my school. You are the only person who can make it stop. Me? I say, "Oh, nice one." Or, "Yeah, that's cool." Or, "Grow up." Usually whoever is teasing stops.

Are those things easy to do, or hard? Why?

• "It's hard because—I might get teased, too."
• "I don't want to be a goody-goody."
• "I'm scared-I might get hurt."
• "I don't think they mean anything by it."

Even if it's hard, give one reason why you should say something anyway?

• Because you'll almost certainly save a day, and you might save a life. Almost every act of hate violence that takes place at a school starts with words. Before a student is physically hurt, he or she endures months of name-calling and teasing. When no one steps up to stop the teasing, the bullies get bolder, sometimes with disastrous results.
• Because you can make teasing UN-Cool. Most bullies tease because they want peer approval. They want YOU to think, "That's so funny . . . He's such a hot-shot . . . She's so tough . . ." But teasing isn't cool. It's low. You know that. If nobody laughs, the joke is over.
• Because teasing will happen to you. Because it happens to all of us. You're going to want someone to speak up for you. So show them how it's done. Talk about teasing. Let people know what's going on at your school for you and other kids. Talk to your parents, siblings, and friends, a trusted teacher, your school nurse or principal or doctor. Talk about what you want to do to make a change. One of the most important things that experts have discovered is that it is kids who are the BEST people to get teasing to stop! It's not your teachers or a parent, it's you and your friends who can make a difference.

Additional Books

Nobody Knew What to Do: A Story About Bullying by Becky Ray McCain (Albert Whitman, 2001) Grades 1-4.

When Ray is bullied in his classroom by older kids, other kids feel sympathetic but powerless. A brief discussion of bully prevention for adults is included.

Bully by Judith Caseley (HarperCollins/Greenwillow, 2001) Grades PreK-3.

Mickey's best friend starts acting like a bully, and Mickey's parents help their son understand why. Readers will learn to feel some sympathy for the boy who has become negative. For younger children.

The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes (Harcourt Brace, 1944, reissued 1988) Grades 3-5.

This story about a girl who is teased because she wears the same dress every day is a classic. The victim's ingenuity wins the hearts of readers and exposes a prejudice which lives on in schools everywhere today.

Hate Hurts: How Children Learn and Unlearn Prejudice by the Anti-Defamation League, Carol Stern-LaRosa, and Ellen Hofheimer Bettmann (Chicken House, 2000). For teachers and parents.

A clear and compelling guide to understanding the way children learn and unlearn prejudice, suggesting hundreds of strategies, role plays, and sample dialogues for parents and teachers to shape the way children value the differences they perceive.

The Respectful School: How Educators and Students Can Conquer Hate and Harassment by Stephen L. Wessler (ASCD, 2003). For teachers and parents.

Steve Wessler describes how words can hurt—both emotionally and physically—and how words can heal. He discusses what educators can do to create a truly respectful environment that promotes positive interactions among staff and students.

They Don't Like Me: Lessons on Bullying and Teasing from a Pre-School Classroom by Jane Katch (Beacon Press, August 2004). For teachers and parents.

An inside look at a classroom struggling to understand what is fair and just.

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso (Harper Collins, 2003). For teachers and parents.

This comprehensive book describes bully behaviors from pre-school to high school and gives helpful details and definitions about bully behavior. Teachers and parents will develop greater understanding of what makes a child become a bully, and gives ideas of ways to break the cycle. The book also provides useful definitions of sexual harassment and racist bullying and explains the differences between teasing and taunting. The author lives in Littleton, Colorado, where Columbine is located.

Please Stop Laughing at Me by Jodee Blanco (Adams Media, 2003). For teachers and parents.

Memoir/confessional/inspirational book that is written by a woman who endured horrendous bullying as she grew up in the 1970s.

Activity: Speak Out!

Bring a speaker to your school or start a school anti-bullying campaign. There are many new and different programs being developed for school-based approaches. A good place to start is Don't Laugh at Me. Originally a song and then a book by Steve Seskin and now a program run by Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary fame, Operation Respect is free and has been used in thousands of schools. www.operationrespect.org.

Remember—YOU are the very best person to bring a change to your school.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, you have never been in a tent with a mosquito.
—African proverb

Activity: The Dot Game

Objectives: This is a simple exercise that consistently brings about great conversations among students and teachers:

• Students learn about the dynamics of exclusion and inclusion by examining the nonverbal patterns that they use to group themselves.
• Students think about the unintentional consequences of those patterns: Some kids are left out, other kids are not given a chance to share who they are.
• Students experience and discuss the effects of being excluded.
• Students see ways to change behavior patterns and become more sensitive and inclusive.

After reading Say Something, many students will say, "I can do that! I can reach out and make a new friend." This game offers teachers and students a chance too look at what it takes to make a change instead of sitting in the same place every day on the bus or with the same kids in the cafeteria.

Materials:
Round stickers ("color coding labels") in four different colors, typically available at a business supply or stationery store for use in filing. You must have enough labels to put one sticker on each child's forehead. Keep in mind that you will use only two of one color, and many of the other three.

What to look out for:
Silence is the key to this game. In order to make it work, students may need to push or direct each other (because, in the absence of words, this is how they will communicate). If need be, direct students to be gentle and thoughtful. The wording of your directions is KEY. When you ask students to organize, be aware that they will ask questions. With younger groups, it may be important for them to know AT THE OUTSET that this is a game, for fun, so that they won't worry about right and wrong ways of doing this. Students will have questions. You may want to simply repeat, "Organize yourselves, and when you have done that, sit down. In silence. I will let you know when you can speak." Do not help them organize, because if you do, the purpose of the exercise will be lost. It is key for them to form groups on their own.

Steps:
In advance: Decide what color stickers you will place on students' heads. Reserve one color, for example yellow, and carefully decide which two students will receive the yellow dots. Yellow dots should go on students capable of handling a discussion about exclusion, and should not got on kids typically excluded or teased, as it may be too hard to handle. The rest of the students will be fairly evenly divided between red, blue, and green dots, so that there are at least five in each group. (For smaller groups, use fewer colors). If there are mirrors in the room, cover them up.

To begin the exercise:

• Ask students to do this exercise in complete silence. Instruct them to imagine that their lips are snapped closed. If need be, tell them to close their lips with their fingers.
• Divide the students to form a line in front of the teacher. (Or two lines, one in front of each adult in the room.)
• Ask the first student in line to close his or her eyes. Place a dot on his/her head (comfortably above the nose and to the extent possible, below the hair, so that it can be seen easily). Once the dot is affixed, tell the student that s/he can open his/her eyes and may roam around the room—IN SILENCE. Do the same for the next student being sure to give only two students a yellow dot. Students are not allowed to look at the dots on their own heads.
• Once all of the students have dots, say, "Okay, what I would like you to do is to organize yourselves. I'd like you to do this in complete silence, which means you'll have to think of other ways (silent and gentle ways) to communicate with each other. Once you have organized yourselves, sit down."
• If students ask "by color?" or other questions, simply reiterate, "Organize . . . in silence . . . and when you are organized, sit down."

While the kids "organize":
PAY ATTENTION, so that you will be able to tell them what you see happen. You will almost certainly see the group organize by color. Reds will sit together, blues together, and the two yellows together. Watch what the kids do in order to get into those positions—some will point and direct, others will move where pushed. The yellow dots will approach and be rejected a number of times until they find each other. (These students must be strong enough students to be able to talk about exclusion and not feel rejected by the game.)

• How they organized themselves. (They will say by color, and probably they are.)
• Ask why they organized by color. (They will say you wanted them to, but you didn't say that—try to help them recognize that they organized by color because it was easy, it was obvious, and maybe they THOUGHT that's what you wanted, which is natural).
• Are there times at school when you organize in the easiest or most obvious way? When? How? (give location hints if needed—on the bus, who do you sit with, in the cafeteria, outside—based on who you live near?)
• Look at the yellows. How are you organized?
• What happened to you (yellow dots) when you attempted to join this group? That group? (Not one of us—not a match.)
• When we organize in the easiest way possible, are there students who get treated like the yellow dots? (Not names here, just the reality, of course). For example, are there times when we get on the bus and are told, "No, someone is sitting here, or this table in the cafeteria is reserved?"

Once the kids have had a chance to talk about why they organized the way they did:
Ask if they'd like to try again. (Almost always, they will want a second or third chance)

• Say: "I'd like you to try this exercise again—in silence. See if you can be a little bit more creative about how you organize." The kids will have fun with this. They will organize in creative ways, and mix it up. Let them try a couple of different ways—all in silence, and after each organization, let them talk about the way they are organized—by hair color, gender, shoes—and also how they communicated that to each other without using words.
• Say: "Now how many of you think you are capable of mixing it up at school? Try it. How will you know what you have in common if you don't talk to somebody? You've got to say something in order to find out, because sharing the same color dot is not the only way we decide who we will have fun with. Raise your hand if you think you can mix it up."

When the kids go out for lunch or recess:
Remind them, and later ask them how they did. Let them talk about how hard it is to reach out—to sit next to somebody who sits alone usually or whom they don't know. Recommend pairing up—two of you sit with someone new. And acknowledge that this is HARD WORK and it takes practice—and that they are doing REALLY, REALLY important work for making a change in their school.

Remind kids of the quote:
One person speaking up makes more noise than a thousand people who remain silent.
—Thom Harnett, Civil Right Attorney