TEACHERS TAKE NOTE

Always My Brother

Jean Reagan

Illustrated by Phyllis Pollema-Cahill

Hardcover, $16.95, ISBN 978-0-88448-313-7

9 x 10, 32 pages, illustrations

Children / Grieving; Grades 3-6

"Sorrows are our best educators. [One] can see further through a tear than a telescope."
—Lord Byron.

It can be helpful to teachers who work with children who have suffered a loss to view grief as a process—or a journey. Grief is not a static response to a single event. Loss and the grief that follows it is a transformative experience. Grief is also mediated by different factors such as culture, personality, and temperament. Until recently, many adults had been taught that children lacked the capacity to grieve. Now it is generally acknowledged that, like adults, children who have experienced a loss will also find themselves capable of grieving.

Teachers often see different aspects of children's grief reflected in the world of the classroom. Some bereaved children may exhibit sadness, anger, and learning difficulties. Other children may go in the opposite direction, and become over-achievers. Adults can offer important reassurance to children by being accepting and warm. Psychologists who specialize in working with children experiencing bereavement issues emphasize that there is no "best way" or "right way" to grieve. No one can predict the rate and intensity people feel when confronted with loss. In particular, younger children may have a hard time grasping many of the abstract concepts of death, most especially its finality. Remember, the goal is to learn how to honor the dead and comfort the mourners.

When reading books aloud on sensitive subjects such as sibling death, attention must be paid to how children may respond. If you have questions about how to approach a grieving child, do not hesitate to contact either a school guidance counselor or call your local center for grieving children. (For more information, see the local resource links on the right.) Finally, please remember that children who are grieving are very vulnerable and some may be unprepared to discuss this subject, ESPECIALLY in a group context. Some children may need to deal more privately with their losses, and want their school routines to remain as normal as possible.

It's not unusual to feel unsure about what to say to bereaved children, and teachers are often especially challenged to find the right approach. Luckily, most communities now have good resources to support families and educators. Contacting these centers is easy because many have a presence on the web. These centers can give offer advice on a broad range of topics that may be helpful—especially if the situation is complicated. Getting guidance when responding to losses that result from situations such as a stillbirth or a traumatic death can be especially helpful. Grief reactions in those circumstances can be different than those experienced by children who have lost family members or friends to natural causes. Sudden traumatic death—whether brought about by tragic accident, combat, suicide, or the criminal actions of others—can leave survivors in need of special care. However, it is important to note that death (of all kinds) is traumatic event in any child's life, so the key is to see how children seem to be responding and base support on the identified needs. Teachers may welcome advice on: understanding developmentally appropriate grief reactions; setting the right emotional tone in the classroom; knowing when to encourage the bereaved child to talk; strategies to develop listening skills and build empathy among classmates.

Jean Reagan wrote Always My Brother hoping to help bereaved children and families understand and work through their grief. Whether you've gone through a loss of a sibling, or know a family coping with grief, this special book can help with the challenges families surviving loss often face. We believe that Always My Brother will become a valuable resource for all those living and working with bereaved children.

Always My Brother can be used as part of a curriculum that is designed for elementary-age children who have experienced the death of a family member or friend. It may help inspire classroom conversations about:

• Memories, and the role they play in healing from a loss
• Family traditions
• Things we can do to stay safe and healthy
• How friends can help grieving classmates.

Simple Ideas for Things Schools Can Do to Help Families After a Loss:

• Take time to honor the bereaved child's loss and create a ritual in which the class can participate.
• Deliver flowers or meals to the grieving family.
• Establish an ongoing fund-raiser such as a car wash or bake sale, with proceeds going toward the family's designated charity.
• Donate to a local center that serves grieving children and their families in the memory of the loved one.

We All Wonder What to Say:
Your students probably wonder what Becky's friends could have said or done that would have been helpful after Becky's brother John died. Here are a few simple suggestions:

• I am sorry that John died, I bet you miss him a lot.
• John and you looked like you were really close. I'm so sorry this happened.
• I will always remember your brother. He was a great guy!
• Also, it really is okay to say John's name out loud. It's better to say something, than to try to pretend nothing happened.
• And don't forget Becky would still want invitations to parties and sleepovers.

Additional Books

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages by Leo Buscaglia (Slack, 1982)

The story of Freddie and his companion leaves, who change with the seasons and finally fall to the ground with the winter snow.

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown (Little Brown, 1998)

Using some appealingly quirky characters, this book answers some basic questions about death.

Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies by Janis Silverman (Fairview, 1999)

An art therapy and activity book encouraging children to express in pictures what they might not be able to say.